For the past couple of years, I’ve experienced severe mood swings. Beginning quite innocent ranging from having petty lack-of-motivation kind a couple of times in a very productive week during the first couple of months to the more severe and serious contemplations of why (or if) my life actually mattered and mostly why it didn’t, which got switched up with a high-pitched peak of motivation and obsessive drive to progress in my projects on a daily basis. In short, the rollercoaster of ups and downs revved up its pace so wildly and uncontrollably that I’m experiencing a couple of those intense peaks and valleys every day. Not only its interval ramped up quite quickly over the last couple of months, but the ups also tend to be higher and the downs seem to get lower. Today, I finally picked up the phone, pressed in the number of my general practitioner, and made an appointment for a mental consult (or whatever it’s called in English).
Even though I’ve got no clue where to start unwrapping this problem, I do know two things for sure. Firstly, I can’t do this on my own. I’ve tried countless times over the last couple of years and it’s very apparent that I’ve made only a couple of steps in the right direction and a LOT in the wrong one. Secondly, In order to beat this and to possibly help others, I’ve got to be brutally honest with myself. No holding back information out of shame, this only works if I tell the whole story. I’m writing these posts to discover more about myself, to help myself somehow analyze the layers of this problem and to hopefully help one of you with how to deal with situations like this or possibly know a loved one or someone close that deals with stuff like this.
Right now, generally the only real drive to live I’ve managed to hold onto during all rollercoaster rides is my girlfriend and my little dog. Although I’m very unsure about to what degree the mental consult will actually help me, or in what way it will help me, I’m going to give it my best shot. At least for their sake and for mine as well, that’s the least they deserve.
One last thing. As you may notice (or you’ve tripped over it a couple of times already) I’m not an experienced writer, nor a qualified storyteller. My posts don’t contain a highly perfectioned structure and I’m okay with that (I’m actually very NOT okay with it, but I’m trying my best to just finishing something instead of over-obsessing about the ‘quality’).